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Cleanse You Not?

Hunger, fatigue, tears. What do all of these things have in common? They all start with a cleanse. For one day, Talon writers Synclaire Warren, Gracie Cotter and Annie Messner decided to embark on a journey together. They chose to do a one day juice cleanse consisting of drinking six juices and eating no food. […]

(illustration by Joaquin Romero)

Hunger, fatigue, tears. What do all of these things have in common? They all start with a cleanse. For one day, Talon writers Synclaire Warren, Gracie Cotter and Annie Messner decided to embark on a journey together. They chose to do a one day juice cleanse consisting of drinking six juices and eating no food. It was a bad idea.

We purchased Cleanse #1 from Pressed Juicery. They say “cleansing is about getting rid of the old and replacing it with something fresh, clean, and incredibly nutritious”. We say it’s about suffering, crying, and peeing 500 times. The cleanse includes six juices, a bottle of chlorophyll water, aloe water, and a pamphlet describing each juice — all for a grand total of $30.  To set the scene of this Thursday, it was Rent-a-Senior Day, so we were surrounded by free donuts at break and Postmated food at lunch.

Juice #1 Vanilla Almond: almonds, dates, vanilla, sea salt –“Start your day with protein to feel full longer and keep your mind clear”

Gracie: After my first sip, I knew it was going to be a long day. It wasn’t bad, but it certainly wasn’t good.

Syn: I felt a pep in my step from the protein. It was a sweet aroma.

Juice #2 Greens 2: kale, spinach, romaine, parsley, cucumber, celery, apple, lemon – “All the goodness of leafy greens & chock full of vitamins”

Gracie: The juice was maybe the worst thing I’ve ever tasted. I just had to plug and chug.

Syn: It tasted like how lawn mowers smell

In the time between juices two and three, Synclaire took a turn for the worse. Juice cleanses are a mental game. It’s not just not eating it’s the thought that you cannot eat that gets you. It was too much for Synclaire to take, which led to a quick little 20 minute breakdown. As she was crying on the floor of the Learning Commons, she saw flashes of food that she could not eat; she could almost taste pizza in her mouth.

Juice #3 Roots 2: carrot, kale, romaine, spinach, parsley, apple, lemon, ginger- “Midday roots for a nutritious boost to keep you going”

Gracie: I thought Greens 2 was bad, I didn’t know bad until I tasted Roots 2 aka Satan in a bottle. I could not finish it.

Syn: I never knew the devil could make a salad and blend it up until I tasted Roots 2.

Juice #4 Citrus 2: pineapple, apple, lemon, mint – “This refreshing juice is loaded with antioxidants & wakes you from your afternoon slump.”

Gracie: I went to get my Citrus juice out of Mr. Anderson’s fridge and tragedy struck my life. I knew I would be able to choke down this juice, but Pressed Juicery made a mistake and my number 4 was Roots 3 (beet, apple, lemon, ginger). I took one sip and nearly vomited. Mr. Leporini would not take a sip, but reluctantly sniffed it and told me “Wow, that’s strong”. In a great act of kindness, he let me pull staples out of the wall to distract me from the hunger.

Syn: At that point I was so done with juice — it tasted like someone put toothpaste in orange juice.

It was at this point where Gracie just couldn’t take it anymore. She knew she wasn’t going to make it and caved. The large dinner at 6:00 PM from Cafeteria 15L was well worth it.

Juice #5 Greens 3: kale, spinach, romaine, parsley, cucumber, celery, apple, lemon, ginger- “The ginger is great for your stomach & helps both soothe & warm your body.”

Syn: Greens 3 is described to warm your body, but I felt an cold chill as my soul began to drown in juice.  

Juice #6 Chocolate Almond: almonds, dates, cacao, sea salt – “End your day sweet & satisfied with a creamy blend of cacao & almonds.”

Syn: It tasted like someone gargled chocolate milk and spit it into my juice bottle.

Final Thoughts:

Gracie: 0/10 would recommend. I couldn’t make it through the full day because I’m weak. But the half day that I spent on juice was so miserable that I will never sip a juice again. If you think you’re strong enough to handle it, more power to you. But I like fries.  

Syn: I feel like everyone should experience a juice cleanse once in their life to truly understand the sacrifice and realize how grateful they should be for food. Juice is great, but it’s not a meal.

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